so- it seems that this diary has a theme. i didn't really mean for it to happen like that. like this. to be so consumed by falling in love. do you think that it's different every time? every time you fall in love. is it just that you do it differently? is it a different kind of love? how does that HAPPEN?
with j. i guess i would now argue that i was never in love with her. but then. then. i thought i was. did i not know any better? we made great best friends. and horrible lovers. we just kept trying again and again to make it work. it never did. ironically, i saw her this weekend (ironic because she lives across the country and i never see her) and i've been thinking about this a lot. how love works. what it does to your body. your thoughts. your logic and rationale. damn. if i was in love with her, i've graduated to a higher level of love.
it seems to be how it works. with every relationship, i've learned more about love and how to be with someone else. i guess, it's inevitable that it works like that. but i have to believe that true love just IS. you can't learn that. though. i feel like with each relationship i am loving more. and now i think i am at the apex. because if i can love more than this, i am in trouble. and by trouble i mean- whoa. i love this girl A LOT. more than i know what to do with, to be quite honest. and i tell her that. and she tells me. and we trust each other. and. well. we wait.
with a. i was still young. but i honest to goodness fell in love with that girl. there was a moment. i allude to it often. or i used to. we had a moment. at least for me. when i KNEW. i just KNEW. i was in love with her. that was one moment. with d, those moments happen more often than not. whoa.
then l. i don't know where to put her. my best friend. my girl. we settled right into a content relationship. but it's almost like it happened too quickly. we didn't have to work at it. and i was still reeling from her hurting me. or maybe it was her hesitance to be with me in the first place. that made it start on the wrong note. we were best friends posing as lovers. five years of friendship doesn't lie. we didn't make it work as a couple. i sometimes blame myself. but i know she needs more than me. and though this sounds weird. i need less than her. it fits though. i love her. i loved her. i was in love with her. in a way, i guess. a wonderful way. but not this way. does that make it any less credible, or any more? i'm not sure. and now is the time we work. work at getting our friendship back. except. we're both distracted and falling in love with other girls. trials. and tribulations.
i guess the facts are: i am crazy in love with a girl. i know she is in love with me. we can't be together. but we are anyway. in a way. i guess. just because we can talk about how we feel. and we can be together sometimes. when nothing else matters.
and i can think of nothing better.