i wrote a lot of bad angsty poetry in high school. like, during calculus. and physics. well, you figure, my best friend (M) had just come out to me. that was when it clicked for me. and we figured out we were both in love with the same girl (B). B soon became my best friend, after M and i fell out and hurt each other in those painful ways that only 15 year old girls with complicated feelings for each other can.
i found some of it the other day. and. man. i was pathetic. and thinking i was being all sneaky with my desperate longing for b. i'm sure everyone around saw right through me.
these are things i think about on long car rides.
i took one last night. a long car ride. i made cookies after work, packed them up, and jumped in the car to make the drive to ptown to surprise my girl.
the ride was amazing. just out of boston, the traffic was slow. not because of congestion or an accident, but because there was this brilliant sight in the air. the sky was bright blue, it was a beautiful evening. the sun was starting to set and was caught just behind a HUGE white fluffy cloud, giving the cloud a pinkish hue. it took me a few stares to figure out what i was seeing in the cloud, but i finally realized that there was a lightening storm going on in there. no thunder, no gray skies, just bolts of light in the middle of a cloud. they were almost shadows of lightening. i almost thought i was looking through a window into weather in a different world. it just blew me away.
i thought about B a lot on the ride down as well. how i missed her. missed our friendship. we were like mutt and jeff for so long. it was just assumed that anything one or the other was doing, we'd both be there. i think we both liked the platonic dating aspect of our friendship (yes, i finally got over her after about 5 years :) she's engaged now, to a PYT who i love. and i'm so very very happy these days with my girl. so it's natural that we spend less and less time together. but still. i can't help but miss the way we'd say i love you at the end of a phone conversation. not loaded with any romantic intent. just a fact. we don't talk as much anymore. and i just miss hearing her voice all the time. and knowing we mean the world to each other. i mean, i still KNOW that. but our energy is mostly spent on our romantic lives now. which is fine. but i think i'll call her today. just to say, i love you.
the ride down the cape was very busy in my head, as you can tell. but it was perfect. i felt larger than life walking down the street, cookies in hand. (at one point, two V's of birds flew overhead. in the midnight blue sky. and i thought of daemons and Dust.) it just felt good. to be grinning, and soaked in excitement to surpise A. she was so surprised to see me. but it's that look in her eyes that i just can't get enough of. this is so real and amazing i still have trouble falling asleep next to her. i don't know how i got this lucky. to have found her.
sometimes i hate the way this happiness comes out in the not so eloquent spurts. i'm much better at the angst. but it's this that i want to document. i guess i just have to keep searching for the right words. and smiling in the meantime.