i watched her last night. across glasses half full and wooden tables and benches. she was at ease. she was joking and smiling and laughing. and just. carefree. and i loved to see her like that.
it's obvious she still loves n. and n loves her. it's very obvious. to me, at least. but. it makes me feel good, somehow. because i saw c's face. i saw her watching them. and i was watching them too. but my eyes were happy. and hers were sad. they just don't have that way of relating to each other. where you can laugh for hours and make silly faces and not care about the people around you. it hit me then. and there. that she just does not love c the way that she CAN love. the way she SHOULD love. and it just made me realize. that i was right. they are holding on to nothing. and holding on too tight. why? and making each other miserable. because i've seen her happy. happy with me. loving me. wanting me. and now, i've seen how she must have been with n. when they were in love. and it was comforting to see. that there is still a connection with them. it reminds me of j and i. those girls you love and lose and they move away. and somehow, that makes you closer. and everytime you see each other. it's like the best of the old times. i digress though (and j is coming home for a few days soon!)
i guess what i am trying to say is that this summer won't be as bad as i thought it would. with her so far away and spending all of her time with n. i think it will be good for her. to get away from both c and i. to rethink. about what makes her happy. and what she wants. and whether she is willing to compromise that for the sake of others. because i'm confident she can't give up what we have. it's amazing. and while i already miss her like mad (and she's not even gone yet) i know she misses me too.
and in the middle of all of this last night. this laughing and talking and me getting to know n. she leaned over to me. and said. with her mouth. and her words. and her eyes. 'you're the one that i want'.