i guess it was more necessary and theraputic to write in those vague terms of emerging love. when everything was uncertain, and each little detail carried the heaviest of consequence. i wrote petrified that someone would stumble upon my words and figure out who i was. i wrote because the words and phrases paraded through my head, defining, describing, and immortalizing moments. fantastic moments of heart bursting feeling. love and longing or heartbreaking jealousy, it didn't matter. those moments were alive.
i still have those moments, but not the motivation to let the words out. maybe because they are less extreme. i tend to stay in the range of ridiculously happy and in love, which, fortunately (and unfortunately for my angst induced ramblings) yields little drama.
i find now that i write more about events than moments, and i guess that's ok too.
none of my friends know of this diary, though i always suspect that any one of them could stumble upon it at any time. i guess my writing is guarded because of that. but that's ok too.
mostly, i'm inspired by the words and lyrics of others, blending as much of each together in my brain, twisting themes, phrases and placement into my own. i read voraciously. many dog earred pages mark the places where a sentence has made me catch my breath. i keep the markings there so i can go back. and feel it. again. i listen to songs. over and over, favorite lines ringing in my head.
i used to keep a quote book. i once wrote a 4 page poem to a friend, and not one word was my own. i rearranged lines picked out from an entire book of e.e. cummings poetry. i wish that friend would write here. her words keep me in awe constantly.
i think one of my first entries here was about my love affair with words and phrases my own or not, that took my breath away. i always have that, even when the real love affairs are stable and even-keeled.
though, my girl. she still manages to make me goofy eyed with every smile. she lingers in the center of favorite memories. her image is conjured with the slightest effort. her touch is the most reassuring thing i know. i tell her i love her all the time. and i mean it so much it hurts.
we watched fireworks together for the first time on sunday. i'm not sure how it's never happened before. it was amazing. we sat on the sand, and i held her. she leaned against me, in her borrowed sweatshirt and smelled of mint and sun. she liked the loud ones the best. i liked the ones that were set up to complement each other. we worked together to light up the sky.