a dinner with my ex and her ex's ex-(throw in one part small liberal arts college, two parts drama, shake and allow years to pass. . .ta-da-friends!)
has left me introspective.
i've never been as happy as i am right now. i've never been as connected to someone, as excited about someone as i am right now.
not that this is news to me, but it was highlighted last night. . .when, while having an enjoyable time catching up with friends (most importantly, the ex) i couldn't help but itch to see my girl.
which made me think about the whole me and the ex. thing. that we had. i figured out what was fundamental lacking, i think. right now. it's that i wouldn't have left with her. it wasn't a love that would even entertain picking up and leaving together. and that. puts up limits that you may never know exist. but really. that might be the bottom line. i wouldn't go with her, if she left. to school, a new state, anything. she's leaving soon, i feel. which is good. for her. she doesn't belong here. she never did really. never got comfortable. she's not at her best here. and she knows it. she came here to me. and i left without leaving. i will always have guilt about that. but now. she's found someone to leave for. to leave with. to start somewhere new, or familiar even. to cultivate their love. which is the moving kind. the fluid, in motion kind.
she'll always be my best friend. (i always blamed that at first. that you can't be best friends for 5 years and then date). but it worked. for awhile. until we both realized our love was more a long distance admiration and caring for each other. something we weren't willing to fight for. so we could each be happy on our own, but always have the other there. anytime day or night. always. she means the world to me, and this rebuilding of what we had before we were more than friends. well. is hard. it's hard to get that balance back. it's starting to click though. i guess we'll always be more than friends. because we have a past. things will come around. and still. i can't stop staring at her .. . thinking. . .she is skinnier, wears different clothes, laughs easier. . .i feel happy she has found this love. but there is still that twinge. of knowing we were once the world to each other. making it offical meant that we had to take it away. she has another world now. and so do i. and i think we're both at our happiest.
i can smile at that.
i would go with a. we would leave together. that. is just a great feeling. the many faces of love. i can't wait to discover them all.