i am feeling crazy.
i am waiting for my laundry to be done so i can go to bed. and i am feeling crazy. crazy in my body. and mostly. crazy in my emotions.
what is this? i am not emotional like this. i am calm. i am oftentimes cold, stoic, indifferent. i am ALWAYS the strong one.
but now. now i am ... i don't know what i am. i am feeling out of control. i'm talking driving aimlessly until i end up at my parent's house out of control. i don't know what to do with myself. there's no one here either. i don't want to be alone, but i definitely don't want to be around others. i feel like i am spinning. like if you looked in the window at me right now, you would just see a girl spinning and spinning and smacking into everything in the room.
and what really scares me. what scares me the most. is that this is nothing. a misunderstanding. i just talked to her. i pulled myself together and forced everything to be ok. i don't like to push myself in like that. i've never had to before and i don't like it.
but really, it IS ok. no push, no foul.
and i can't deal with myself right now. i just don't know what to do when i feel like this. it's never happened before. i don't like myself like this. i feel too weak. but to be strong makes it worse, in this case. somehow.
what have i gotten myself into?
i don't know. but i sure as hell know that i don't want to get out. my body mind soul are not up for that. i am in this. and i can only wish she was. to this extent. to this crazy feeling, of not being able to rest until everything is right. until i can feel her next to me. telling me it will all be ok.
because it will.