i am feeling, well, kind of unsettled. a little unsure of my life, if you will (and i think that you will).
i feel like everything is going down all at once. i am less than enthused about my job. i am stressing about finding a place to live for the fall, now that m is leaving. i am worried for a. i ache for her. and i worry about her.
she is going through a major transition right now. and i question her ability to take it in stride. a long time coming, yet hard to actual separate yourself from someone else. the routine is a tough thing to break. i find myself sad for her, with her. i don't understand how that can be.
she was upset last night. i went over almost unannounced. we walked the beach and talked. she did most of the talking. i felt the weight in my chest get heavier and heavier. it wasn't supposed to be like this. i am supposed to be happier now. but i just feel awful. like it's all my fault.
how do i reconcile my feelings?
she noticed my growing silence (it was screaming). and asked what i was thinking. all of my fears poured out. i am scared she is going to talk herself out of my life. i am worried that she will do it. and for all the wrong reasons. i am scared it has come to this.
there was security before. security in risk. now we are both wide open and vulnerable. and worse off because we don't have the protection of the other. there is no safety zone. i am scared she will walk away.
i am scared of what will happen to me, if she does.
i am excited to find out what will happen,though, if she stays.
and i can only have faith in this option.